Lord and Lady Douchebag
One hot steamy July day I answered the front door for our mailman. He had a piece of certified mail for me to sign. I didn't think twice about it. After all, we are behind on our bills. Like a thief in the night, coming up behind me I found not a notice of delinquency, but a letter printed out on plain old white printer paper from a local attorney. So disappointing. I thought law firms used high quality, expensive letterhead for their written correspondence. I really shouldn't have been surprised, and really wasn't much. But, considering how quiet it had been for maybe a year or two, I was a little surprised to see that yet, again, here came Lord and Lady Douchebag, through their attorney, conveying their dissatisfaction with us as neighbors.
Who the fuck really knows exactly how long we have been displeasing the Lord and Lady. All I know, is that 9-10 years ago, we received a letter from the Town notifying us that the rather large, dead tree trunk of a once beautiful Willow tree that laid at least 15 feet into our yard near the pond was a nuisance and therefore we were required to remove it. Wait. We live on a pond with nature... you know... trees, some dead some alive. But this one, in our yard, on our personal property... this one that had been used by my husband numerous time to photograph his children with, with the pond as part of the background... was a nuisance???? And of course, the Town, while trying to protect it's pleasant residents, didn't identify who complained to them about it.
So, as miffed and a little confused as we were, my husband hooked up his heavy duty chain to the Ford Exploder and we pulled this nuisance from the ground and placed its pieces at the road for someone to profit from.
Little did I know at the time that this was apparently to be the beginning of a 9 year, loving relationship with the Lords of the Pond. One afternoon while working in the kitchen I looked out the plate glass window into the back yard to see my husband talking with a local police officer. I knew this wasn't good news. I don't recall what else happened after the tree trunk incident before this one, but I know something did occur because I nearly went through the roof when I saw the officer in our back yard. I remember wondering "now what?????" According to the officer, a "concerned" neighbor called about our kids and the next door neighbors kids being in the pond, in a john boat without safety vests. In. A. Two. Foot. Deep. Pond. Without vests. In a private pond. Well, the officer did inform my husband that there weren't any laws broken and that there was nothing he could do, but he did have to respond to the "concerns".
Fine.
Meanwhile, our retaining wall on the pond began collapsing. My husband called for estimates, but we didn't and still don't have $20,000-$40,000 to repair or replace it. And considering that pond walls are not required by the HOA, and considering that out of the 10 homes on the pond, only half have retaining walls. And of those who have had retaining walls, at least one other than ours has completely collapsed... we moved on with our lives. At least for a short time.
Que the notifications from the HOA.
Not long after the kids in the pond debacle, we began receiving notices from the HOA about the condition of our retaining wall. They stated that some of our neighbors complained about it. Long story short on this one... No laws/ordinances/covenants, whatever, in the HOA addressed pond walls. The HOA even contacted the Town trying to claim that it was a dilapidated structure. And being that it is not a dilapidated structure.... we moved on with our lives. At least for a short time.
For a while, the Lords of the Pond did all they could to harass us about the retaining wall. They even contacted the mayor at the time, who like most hierarchy, didn't want to bother with it, so he passed it down to the appropriate department, who also didn't want to be bothered with it. Their department sent out their guy, who didn't even get out of his truck to view the property, and sent out their letter noting dissatisfaction from the Lords and that we were to tidy up our property.
Fine.
My husband, knowing full well we didn't have funds for the retaining wall, broke out his waders, jumped into the pond and made attempts to salvage it. That day, I sat in the yard to keep him company as he worked. He took a break and sat in the chair beside me. As we sat in our yard in the heat of a South Carolina summer, we saw Lady Douchebag trot out from her back door with camera in hand. She approached the edge of her yard and began taking pictures. At first I thought nothing much of it, assuming she just bought a new camera and was taking pictures of the pond and wildlife. Well, you know what they say about assuming, right? It didn't take us long to realize she was taking photos of US. So, being the kind, compliant neighbors that were are, we smiled and waved for the camera. Then the four letter words spilled out of her mouth. "Fuck you! I have to look at that shit!" Wait, did she just say "Fuck you! I have to look at that shit"???? Really???? Oh, you poor child. How I feel for you. Because looking at a collapsed pond wall is, in fact, the worse thing in life. Yep. My mastectomy scar doesn't come close to what you have to deal with.
My husband, the peacemaker, and I the hot-tempered fat, now angry, cajun woman were stunned. And then I got angry. Really, really angry. I'm certain I began developing another breast cancer that very moment. So, my husband as I stated, is a peacemaker. He cleaned himself up and walked down the road to meet with the master of their kingdom. I watched the two (she was nowhere to be found) sit on the deck in back of their home as they discussed our lack of concern for their rights. I honestly don't remember much after that as I was seeing red for a few days.
Lady must have been pleased with her camera. One Saturday afternoon, my husband was asked by our next door neighbor to help him set up a large swing set/fort in his back yard. Not a big deal, right? Nothing to write home about, right? Well, hubby looks up to see Lady in the yard of our back neighbor taking pictures of our house.. behind our garage and of my husband as he helped set up the swing set. WTF???? She drove around the block and went into peoples private property to take photos of the area behind our garage????? An area that they have to twist their necks to see from their high and mighty deck. An area that they have to go into someone else's yard to see??? As a side note, the neighbors behind our home at the time were part-time residents who lived out of state. They only came to town occasionally to visit relatives. As far as I could tell from that neighbors reaction when we informed him about her being on his property, he did not give permission for her to access it.
Que the Facebook neighborhood page.
Because we now know that social media is THE way to unnerve a neighbor who has ill intentions. After the camera bug infestation, I took to the FB neighborhood page for advice as to how to handle someone who was taking photos of our house. After nearly half the neighborhood viewed and/or responded (some in shock, suggesting to contact the police) Lord chimed in to identify his wife as the stalker. He accused us of being Sanford and Son and a host of other bullshit. I took a pill. And then chewed his ass off, pointing out what a kind man he was and how impressed we were with his neighborly ways... attacking a widowed father of three and his new wife of only a couple years who struggled with a recent breast cancer diagnosis, mastectomy and chemo treatments. How kind he was to extend his helping hand. Yeah, I chewed his ass off and in less than half an hour the entire thread was deleted.
That's okay. I printed it.
Sooooooo.
One day we received a lovely letter from a young attorney fresh out of school. He was notifying us that his clients, Lord and Lady, were still displeased with us peasants. He addressed the issues they had and was even kind enough to tell us to remove the brush/bushes that were growing behind our closed in back porch. Can someone say, Douchebags?
In the years gone by, Lord and Lady have gone out of their way to drive in front of our house to make sure that we don't miss anything that may need attention. Bless their hearts.
I'd like to advise the Lord and Lady and their attorney that it may be time for an eye exam. That broken window in the front with plastic covering it? That window is NOT broken and never has been, and that it is NOT covered in plastic. That is the original window to the house, as well as the original window screen. Those boxes on the fire pit, in our back yard, in that unprofessional photocopy sent with the letter? Those were long ago discarded by the grace of fire and gasoline. Long before the letter was even typed on that cheap paper.
Well, our thirty days are up. July 31st has come and gone. Now we just sit and wait to see if these victims will sue us for their pain and suffering. Oh yeah, they have accused us of visually stealing their property.
Did I say, bless their hearts?
Who the fuck really knows exactly how long we have been displeasing the Lord and Lady. All I know, is that 9-10 years ago, we received a letter from the Town notifying us that the rather large, dead tree trunk of a once beautiful Willow tree that laid at least 15 feet into our yard near the pond was a nuisance and therefore we were required to remove it. Wait. We live on a pond with nature... you know... trees, some dead some alive. But this one, in our yard, on our personal property... this one that had been used by my husband numerous time to photograph his children with, with the pond as part of the background... was a nuisance???? And of course, the Town, while trying to protect it's pleasant residents, didn't identify who complained to them about it.
So, as miffed and a little confused as we were, my husband hooked up his heavy duty chain to the Ford Exploder and we pulled this nuisance from the ground and placed its pieces at the road for someone to profit from.
Little did I know at the time that this was apparently to be the beginning of a 9 year, loving relationship with the Lords of the Pond. One afternoon while working in the kitchen I looked out the plate glass window into the back yard to see my husband talking with a local police officer. I knew this wasn't good news. I don't recall what else happened after the tree trunk incident before this one, but I know something did occur because I nearly went through the roof when I saw the officer in our back yard. I remember wondering "now what?????" According to the officer, a "concerned" neighbor called about our kids and the next door neighbors kids being in the pond, in a john boat without safety vests. In. A. Two. Foot. Deep. Pond. Without vests. In a private pond. Well, the officer did inform my husband that there weren't any laws broken and that there was nothing he could do, but he did have to respond to the "concerns".
Fine.
Meanwhile, our retaining wall on the pond began collapsing. My husband called for estimates, but we didn't and still don't have $20,000-$40,000 to repair or replace it. And considering that pond walls are not required by the HOA, and considering that out of the 10 homes on the pond, only half have retaining walls. And of those who have had retaining walls, at least one other than ours has completely collapsed... we moved on with our lives. At least for a short time.
Que the notifications from the HOA.
Not long after the kids in the pond debacle, we began receiving notices from the HOA about the condition of our retaining wall. They stated that some of our neighbors complained about it. Long story short on this one... No laws/ordinances/covenants, whatever, in the HOA addressed pond walls. The HOA even contacted the Town trying to claim that it was a dilapidated structure. And being that it is not a dilapidated structure.... we moved on with our lives. At least for a short time.
For a while, the Lords of the Pond did all they could to harass us about the retaining wall. They even contacted the mayor at the time, who like most hierarchy, didn't want to bother with it, so he passed it down to the appropriate department, who also didn't want to be bothered with it. Their department sent out their guy, who didn't even get out of his truck to view the property, and sent out their letter noting dissatisfaction from the Lords and that we were to tidy up our property.
Fine.
My husband, knowing full well we didn't have funds for the retaining wall, broke out his waders, jumped into the pond and made attempts to salvage it. That day, I sat in the yard to keep him company as he worked. He took a break and sat in the chair beside me. As we sat in our yard in the heat of a South Carolina summer, we saw Lady Douchebag trot out from her back door with camera in hand. She approached the edge of her yard and began taking pictures. At first I thought nothing much of it, assuming she just bought a new camera and was taking pictures of the pond and wildlife. Well, you know what they say about assuming, right? It didn't take us long to realize she was taking photos of US. So, being the kind, compliant neighbors that were are, we smiled and waved for the camera. Then the four letter words spilled out of her mouth. "Fuck you! I have to look at that shit!" Wait, did she just say "Fuck you! I have to look at that shit"???? Really???? Oh, you poor child. How I feel for you. Because looking at a collapsed pond wall is, in fact, the worse thing in life. Yep. My mastectomy scar doesn't come close to what you have to deal with.
My husband, the peacemaker, and I the hot-tempered fat, now angry, cajun woman were stunned. And then I got angry. Really, really angry. I'm certain I began developing another breast cancer that very moment. So, my husband as I stated, is a peacemaker. He cleaned himself up and walked down the road to meet with the master of their kingdom. I watched the two (she was nowhere to be found) sit on the deck in back of their home as they discussed our lack of concern for their rights. I honestly don't remember much after that as I was seeing red for a few days.
Lady must have been pleased with her camera. One Saturday afternoon, my husband was asked by our next door neighbor to help him set up a large swing set/fort in his back yard. Not a big deal, right? Nothing to write home about, right? Well, hubby looks up to see Lady in the yard of our back neighbor taking pictures of our house.. behind our garage and of my husband as he helped set up the swing set. WTF???? She drove around the block and went into peoples private property to take photos of the area behind our garage????? An area that they have to twist their necks to see from their high and mighty deck. An area that they have to go into someone else's yard to see??? As a side note, the neighbors behind our home at the time were part-time residents who lived out of state. They only came to town occasionally to visit relatives. As far as I could tell from that neighbors reaction when we informed him about her being on his property, he did not give permission for her to access it.
Que the Facebook neighborhood page.
Because we now know that social media is THE way to unnerve a neighbor who has ill intentions. After the camera bug infestation, I took to the FB neighborhood page for advice as to how to handle someone who was taking photos of our house. After nearly half the neighborhood viewed and/or responded (some in shock, suggesting to contact the police) Lord chimed in to identify his wife as the stalker. He accused us of being Sanford and Son and a host of other bullshit. I took a pill. And then chewed his ass off, pointing out what a kind man he was and how impressed we were with his neighborly ways... attacking a widowed father of three and his new wife of only a couple years who struggled with a recent breast cancer diagnosis, mastectomy and chemo treatments. How kind he was to extend his helping hand. Yeah, I chewed his ass off and in less than half an hour the entire thread was deleted.
That's okay. I printed it.
Sooooooo.
One day we received a lovely letter from a young attorney fresh out of school. He was notifying us that his clients, Lord and Lady, were still displeased with us peasants. He addressed the issues they had and was even kind enough to tell us to remove the brush/bushes that were growing behind our closed in back porch. Can someone say, Douchebags?
In the years gone by, Lord and Lady have gone out of their way to drive in front of our house to make sure that we don't miss anything that may need attention. Bless their hearts.
I'd like to advise the Lord and Lady and their attorney that it may be time for an eye exam. That broken window in the front with plastic covering it? That window is NOT broken and never has been, and that it is NOT covered in plastic. That is the original window to the house, as well as the original window screen. Those boxes on the fire pit, in our back yard, in that unprofessional photocopy sent with the letter? Those were long ago discarded by the grace of fire and gasoline. Long before the letter was even typed on that cheap paper.
Well, our thirty days are up. July 31st has come and gone. Now we just sit and wait to see if these victims will sue us for their pain and suffering. Oh yeah, they have accused us of visually stealing their property.
Did I say, bless their hearts?
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